Ah. I am not sure where to begin. I am not usually at a loss for words but lately, words escape me. I am blank, empty and hollow.
How does one go about living the day-to-day while at the same time moving around as if in a panic?
I mean a panic that only I know about. On the exterior I am the same old me but inside I am coming unglued.
Last month, while listening to Jeff Goins speak at Blissdom, he gave us an assignment: write something dangerous. Write something that no one may ever see. Fall back in love with writing.
I was rapt with attention. It was as if he was only speaking to me. He mentioned so many issues that have plagued him that I , myself, are currently dealing with.
“Do what you were made to do…”
“What are you waiting for…”
His words have been resonating with me ever since I got home. I made the choice a week later, in a moment of clarity, to say yes to 3 fairly large projects. 3 projects that I had been stewing over, stressing about…lacking confidence to move forward actually.
So there I was…I just made 3 of the biggest choices I have ever made in my professional life and why wasn’t I happy? I felt SO run down, tired, lethargic really.
2 weeks go by and I still feel this way. I get tests done, get more sleep, up the vitamin intake (I already take a LOT) and try to relax. Well, I did say try ????
Well, turns out that I am very, very anemic. Not only that but I have a lot of built up lymph fluid. This is a recipe for disaster. It explains why I have felt so sick and tired. I went to an event this week, just because I had already agreed to go, but I had to bring my husband with me. I wasn’t sure I could do it.
I have been going to work, but it is all I can do to get through the day. For me, sickness=depression. It is a hard funk to get out of….
Of course the running thought in my mind is: Am I getting sick again? Is it back?
Even more, why can’t I stop worrying and just be happy! I am sitting on some happy news and I can’t shake the feeling that I am going to fail.
No one will like it and I.Will. Fail.
I have spent this week trying to get better. I have come home from work and slept, snuggled with my kids, watched movies and read books with them. We all needed to ‘hibernate’ for a few days. I was unplugged and liked it more than I want to tell you. Seeing as how I have built this brand around the Internet I hate to speak ill of it!
My point here? I am doing it. I made it happen. I am moving forward and doing what I was meant to do. I have a plan and I am removing all the obstacles I can.
I am still cooking my ‘Dangerous Post’ That I was tasked to write. I am not sure if I can do it. But I feel better just saying that, like you all, I am human. I have successes AND failures. I have fears and dreams just like all of you. But, i am excited for the future…in sickness and in health. I only hope you all will join me on my journey ????